oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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