You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
