If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
