forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize