It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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