Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
