he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
