i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize