Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
