someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
