He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
