Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
