Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
