My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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