Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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