What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
