i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
