He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
