I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
