they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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