Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
