does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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