I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
