Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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