so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
