Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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