note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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