apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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