dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
