So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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