take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
