That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
