I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Can I color on your dick again?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
