I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
