I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
