Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
