So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
