oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
