I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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