And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
