Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
