You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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