I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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