Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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