my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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