I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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