Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
