I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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