I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
