Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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