we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
