The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize