I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
