Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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