Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
