then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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