Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
