so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
