I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
