If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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