Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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