mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
