It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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