I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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