Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
